who am I?

Originally posted June 4, 2005

DC Talk has a song that has a line in it that goes, "What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior." This line has been the story of my life for the last few years. I realize that I have no clue where I am or where I'm going. the thing is that the only one I have to blame for this unhappiness is myself. In high school I got tired of being the hold-out, the one who was "perfect." Why should I have to miss out on everything just because I have these rules? Everyone else gets to have fun and I get stuck being good. So I gave up trying to be so "good" all the time and gave in. I mean my misbehavior was nothing compared to what others around me were doing, but sin doesn't come in degrees of bad. I couldn't give up my old lifestyle completely, though, because I still had an image to maintain. At my church, I was the golden child, the one who was a role model for all people, not just youth. because of this, I found myself living a double life. When I went to college, I thought that I had gotten everything straightened out. I mean, all my new friends were the good kids that I had always been back then and the pressure was to be good instead of bad. I think I got so good at acting the part that I even began to fool myself... Now I feel like I don't know who I am. I've blurred the lines so badly that I feel like I don't know the difference between "acting" christian and being christian. Look at me, all judgemental and stuff; "Oh, she's bad news; she drinks and does this and that." Who am I to sit in judgement of anybody?!? I've pretty much lied to everybody I know in one way or another by puting on this act of "righteousness." I feel like I want to get right with God, but that it's gotten so bad that I don't know how... I've played the part so long that I hardly know who I am or who I want to be. I mean, it's not like I don't believe; I do! I know that God is real and that his son Jesus died for us, but sometimes I wonder if I believe that because it's what I've been taught, what I've grown up hearing. I guess I believe all the stuff; I just feel like I'm not doing it right, like I know the stuff but don't have the relationship, you know?



What am I trying to say? Pray for me! I need to get something figured out; none of us know how long our time is.