a silent scream

Originally posted January 30, 2006

It was as though my entire life had been a precursor to this moment. An intense sadness overtook me like a wave of raw, rushing emotion that had broken the dyke and flowed freely onto my pillow. I wept for her, for me, for everything and nothing all at once. It was anger, fear, bitterness, envy, and sheer unhappiness that was stirred out of dormancy inside me for all the world to see. To them, I'm the drama queen; it is I who must have the attention, who will do anything for it. They don't know; they never have. I'm the strong one, carrying the burdens of all with grace. The world may stop if she stumbles.



Why are you so sad, my love? It's a hard thing for those you love to see you at your lowest point and walk by, unscathed by the sight of your pain. It's a terrible thing to love so deeply and be passed along, a terrible thing to need and receive nothing. You look around and see everyone prospering while you sink deeper and deeper into the pool of despair that has you trapped. I'm sad because I look at my life and it makes me feel bitterly empty. There are all these things I want but cannot have; there are things I have that I don't want at all. Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world, but it has become mine. I'm out of control, spiraling into a life about which I can do nothing but weep in a bottomless vat of self-pity.