the letter

Originally posted July 11, 2005

I find that I still think of you from time to time, good things and bad things. I think of how we were so stupid. How we'd laugh at dumb things, at each other. I hated how I could never stay mad at you, even when I wanted to. I remember how we would talk for hours. Talking about nothing and everything until 3:00 in the morning. You were the only person who could make me talk on the phone for two hours, half the time just being dumb. All those voices and dumb words and sounds. There was the silence, too. I remember me sitting with you on the cold bench, staring into the fog not saying a word, just holding hands and being together. It wasn't weird, awkward silence, as silence often seems to me, but peaceful. Your hands were soft and I just wanted to sit in that moment forever. I remember walking home, mind racing, because we had held hands for the first time. The weird thing was that it was never about that, you know? Before it was about the fun; the feeling when he touches her and they kiss. But it was different with you. There were times when I felt as though you were the only one who knew the little things. It is true that you know things about me that others don't, but thouse are stupid things. What I loved, though, was that you never seemed shocked, no matter what I threw at you. I told you things that others would have been embarrassed by, things that would run them off. But you stayed. You had such a knack for making me feel so special. The things you would say would make me smile. It meant so much hearing your compliments. I loved how you would just listen too, though. I look back and remember the list, ice skating, pizza and muppets, ice cream, movies, fog, cider, late night phone calls, "amazing", and walking away. So many good times that had to end.



Then there was nothing. We decided that dating was out, but friends wasn't enough. That never lasts long, though, does it? I don't even know when, but we drifted apart. Then we were nothing. You got mad and I was left dumbfounded. I mean, you don't get mad! There were so many things I wanted to say to you. I still feel as though I could scream if it would do anything. WHY?! Why did you run away? Why did you stay mad? Days turned into weeks and into months. I wanted to know what you were thinking; why you were being such a jerk. I wanted to know how you could just let me be a few pages in the book of your life and then move on like it was nothing. You have a new girl that you talk to for hours and do all the fun things with. I think the part that I hated most was that I had lost one of my best friends. It's weird not being able to tell you things. I'm meeting my borthers this summer; you wouldn't know. I look back and wonder what I saw; wonder how we got so close. We're so different, you and I, but exactly the same. I see who you're becoming; the company you keep, the words you say, how you act and wonder why I was so enamored by you. Zach said I could do better, and I used to think he was wrong. But now I see the real you and hope he's right. I've told myself (and heard from others) that I need to let you go. I'm finding that that's so difficult because despite how bad you get, I still care about you. I worry about who you're becoming. Maybe that's why I'm writing this down... I'm making you a few pages in my book; pages that can be ripped out and thrown away. I don't want to be sad anymore, and that's how you make me feel. A song lyric sums up how I feel: "Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now? Can you tell it to my face or have I been erased? Are you happy now?" Are you?