a covenant with my body

So, I always figured myself a virgin by choice. I had never even questioned whether or not I would wait for marriage, having been raised to expect to do so. I was so convinced of my stalwart status, in fact, that I would scoff at friends who told me that they had to intentionally act in such a manner so as not to invite temptation, going as far as to avoid being alone with the person they were dating. I secretly (and not-so-secretly) thought it was ridiculous to have such little faith in one's self control.

Then I woke up and joined the rest of my generation.

Two weeks ago, I was standing in Times Square around midnight, talking with a nice guy. He asked me on a date for that Saturday. He was cute so I figured "what the heck." We met for dinner a few days later and then went back to his apartment. I know what you must be thinking, but nothing happened. Over the next five hours, we talked about almost everything: religion, money, personal history, etc. The only "forbidden" topic we didn't discuss was politics. :) We talked about my being a 23-year old virgin and his being a 21-year old non-virgin. I explained my reason for abstaining from the many things that make up the no-can-do list. We had almost nothing in common (and even THAT is likely a generous assessment), but he was so easy to talk to and seemed so interested in me as someone so completely foreign to him. It was clear we had no romantic future, though; we were just too different.

During the course of the conversation, I mentioned that I had hoped he would kiss me at midnight on Thursday, as one of the things on my list is to kiss a stranger. It had apparently crossed his mind, but the presence of my parents had dissuaded him. :) Later that night, though, he did kiss me when he walked me back to the the ferry; it was a very generic, two-second kiss. I told him as much when he called to talk on Monday night. He asked me what I had expected and I admitted that it hadn't been more than that, seeing as we were in public. The conversation progressed and we both concluded that we had missed an opportunity earlier. To make a long story short, we made an arrangement to meet for a tryst later in the week. We went as far as to agree upon ground rules for the interaction so as to set some sort of limits for this NCMO (non-committed make-out) session.

The next day, though, I started to have second thoughts. I mean, was this really a good idea? Well, I wasn't so sure. The first red flag was where I had to go for advice. I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends because I was worried about how even considering such an arrangement would paint me as a scarlet woman. I didn't feel like I could pray about it either, because, truthfully, I already knew what God's answer would be and it seemed like one of those times where it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I went to google for advice, therefore, and came up only a little confused. While one source said that it would probably be no big deal and actually not a terrible way to blow off steam, the overwhelming majority told me to steer clear. I then decided to bite the bullet and talk it out with a good friend. We talked... and talked... and talked! After several hours, I don't know that I felt any less unsure. In fact, I was more mixed up then ever. Then, she said exactly what I needed to hear. To sum it up, she told me that whatever I was looking for wouldn't be found in the arms of a near stranger. Hooking up with this guy wasn't going to make me feel any prettier, more special, or better about myself. The reassurance I needed couldn't possibly come in this way.

Well, to put an end to your suspense, I didn't go through with the fling. In the end, my friend was right; far from feeling better about myself, hooking up with Mike was going to make me feel worse. I already felt guilty and hadn't even done anything yet! At the end of the day, I just wasn't ready to throw away 5+ years of semi-intentional purity. For what? To feel valued for an hour by someone I didn't even respect? To be honest, I think the thing that scared me most was the idea of what I might do in the heat of the moment. As it was, I'd already agreed to certain things that were completely out of character, and that had only been in the context of a heated conversation. Call me sentimental, but I have an affinity for firsts. When I think about the first time I touch someone and they touch me, I want to be able to say it was with my husband. I certainly never imagined that very important first to be with someone I hardly knew.

Just as Job made a covenant with his eyes, I've made a covenant with my body not to cheapen it with immoral behavior and the caresses of any man besides the one set aside for me in God's perfect will. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that I've been over-confident in the strength of my resolve. I've been humbled to be able to appreciate the struggles not uncommon to those of us in our youth. I can only pray to be strengthened in the covenant and to trust in the Lord's provision which fulfills completely instead of chasing the fleeting offerings of the world. In the meantime... well, I'll be waiting. :)