Tennyson said that it's "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Shouldn't there be a footnote in there somewhere, though? Shouldn't the quote read something like, "it's *SOMETIMES* better to have loved and lost..."? After seeing the movie that's namesake to this entry, I had to consider what it would mean if what they proposed was actually possible. I thought back to boys like Chris, Josh, and Kyle and couldn't help but wonder if I would employ the services of Dr. Mierzwaik to erase the memories of those loves lost. I mean, I'm not the type to regret my past and the lessons it's taught me. It's difficult to say, though, that I wouldn't at least be tempted to erase some of the memories of times where my heart's been hurt or the people and situations that have caused more than a few crocodile tears to fall. Even if it ended badly, though, it doesn't mean it was always bad. Of course that's not true! That's what Joel and Clementine realized; life has good mixed with bad. If you're going to erase the memory of someone, you'll surely rid yourself of the bad, but will have to give back the good too. Even if actual good may be hard to identify when you've been crushed, it is still there. Even if the only good is that you now know what not to do the next time, that's worth something. If I'm being honest, I'd say that only one of the aforementioned boys brought more bad than good. Even then, I can't say for certain that I'd want to erase him. After all, he's become fodder for my pseudo-creative ramblings. :)
"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."
--Nietzsche
Garth Brooks song:
"And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance; I could've missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance."
Trisha Yearwood song:
"It's bittersweet to look back now at memories withered on the vine. But just to hold you close to me for a moment in time, I would've loved you anyway. I'd do it all the same, not a second I would change, not a touch that I would trade. Had I known my heart would break, I'd have loved you anyway."
well... maybe :)
Friday, January 15, 2010
a covenant with my body
So, I always figured myself a virgin by choice. I had never even questioned whether or not I would wait for marriage, having been raised to expect to do so. I was so convinced of my stalwart status, in fact, that I would scoff at friends who told me that they had to intentionally act in such a manner so as not to invite temptation, going as far as to avoid being alone with the person they were dating. I secretly (and not-so-secretly) thought it was ridiculous to have such little faith in one's self control.
Then I woke up and joined the rest of my generation.
Two weeks ago, I was standing in Times Square around midnight, talking with a nice guy. He asked me on a date for that Saturday. He was cute so I figured "what the heck." We met for dinner a few days later and then went back to his apartment. I know what you must be thinking, but nothing happened. Over the next five hours, we talked about almost everything: religion, money, personal history, etc. The only "forbidden" topic we didn't discuss was politics. :) We talked about my being a 23-year old virgin and his being a 21-year old non-virgin. I explained my reason for abstaining from the many things that make up the no-can-do list. We had almost nothing in common (and even THAT is likely a generous assessment), but he was so easy to talk to and seemed so interested in me as someone so completely foreign to him. It was clear we had no romantic future, though; we were just too different.
During the course of the conversation, I mentioned that I had hoped he would kiss me at midnight on Thursday, as one of the things on my list is to kiss a stranger. It had apparently crossed his mind, but the presence of my parents had dissuaded him. :) Later that night, though, he did kiss me when he walked me back to the the ferry; it was a very generic, two-second kiss. I told him as much when he called to talk on Monday night. He asked me what I had expected and I admitted that it hadn't been more than that, seeing as we were in public. The conversation progressed and we both concluded that we had missed an opportunity earlier. To make a long story short, we made an arrangement to meet for a tryst later in the week. We went as far as to agree upon ground rules for the interaction so as to set some sort of limits for this NCMO (non-committed make-out) session.
The next day, though, I started to have second thoughts. I mean, was this really a good idea? Well, I wasn't so sure. The first red flag was where I had to go for advice. I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends because I was worried about how even considering such an arrangement would paint me as a scarlet woman. I didn't feel like I could pray about it either, because, truthfully, I already knew what God's answer would be and it seemed like one of those times where it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I went to google for advice, therefore, and came up only a little confused. While one source said that it would probably be no big deal and actually not a terrible way to blow off steam, the overwhelming majority told me to steer clear. I then decided to bite the bullet and talk it out with a good friend. We talked... and talked... and talked! After several hours, I don't know that I felt any less unsure. In fact, I was more mixed up then ever. Then, she said exactly what I needed to hear. To sum it up, she told me that whatever I was looking for wouldn't be found in the arms of a near stranger. Hooking up with this guy wasn't going to make me feel any prettier, more special, or better about myself. The reassurance I needed couldn't possibly come in this way.
Well, to put an end to your suspense, I didn't go through with the fling. In the end, my friend was right; far from feeling better about myself, hooking up with Mike was going to make me feel worse. I already felt guilty and hadn't even done anything yet! At the end of the day, I just wasn't ready to throw away 5+ years of semi-intentional purity. For what? To feel valued for an hour by someone I didn't even respect? To be honest, I think the thing that scared me most was the idea of what I might do in the heat of the moment. As it was, I'd already agreed to certain things that were completely out of character, and that had only been in the context of a heated conversation. Call me sentimental, but I have an affinity for firsts. When I think about the first time I touch someone and they touch me, I want to be able to say it was with my husband. I certainly never imagined that very important first to be with someone I hardly knew.
Just as Job made a covenant with his eyes, I've made a covenant with my body not to cheapen it with immoral behavior and the caresses of any man besides the one set aside for me in God's perfect will. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that I've been over-confident in the strength of my resolve. I've been humbled to be able to appreciate the struggles not uncommon to those of us in our youth. I can only pray to be strengthened in the covenant and to trust in the Lord's provision which fulfills completely instead of chasing the fleeting offerings of the world. In the meantime... well, I'll be waiting. :)
Then I woke up and joined the rest of my generation.
Two weeks ago, I was standing in Times Square around midnight, talking with a nice guy. He asked me on a date for that Saturday. He was cute so I figured "what the heck." We met for dinner a few days later and then went back to his apartment. I know what you must be thinking, but nothing happened. Over the next five hours, we talked about almost everything: religion, money, personal history, etc. The only "forbidden" topic we didn't discuss was politics. :) We talked about my being a 23-year old virgin and his being a 21-year old non-virgin. I explained my reason for abstaining from the many things that make up the no-can-do list. We had almost nothing in common (and even THAT is likely a generous assessment), but he was so easy to talk to and seemed so interested in me as someone so completely foreign to him. It was clear we had no romantic future, though; we were just too different.
During the course of the conversation, I mentioned that I had hoped he would kiss me at midnight on Thursday, as one of the things on my list is to kiss a stranger. It had apparently crossed his mind, but the presence of my parents had dissuaded him. :) Later that night, though, he did kiss me when he walked me back to the the ferry; it was a very generic, two-second kiss. I told him as much when he called to talk on Monday night. He asked me what I had expected and I admitted that it hadn't been more than that, seeing as we were in public. The conversation progressed and we both concluded that we had missed an opportunity earlier. To make a long story short, we made an arrangement to meet for a tryst later in the week. We went as far as to agree upon ground rules for the interaction so as to set some sort of limits for this NCMO (non-committed make-out) session.
The next day, though, I started to have second thoughts. I mean, was this really a good idea? Well, I wasn't so sure. The first red flag was where I had to go for advice. I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends because I was worried about how even considering such an arrangement would paint me as a scarlet woman. I didn't feel like I could pray about it either, because, truthfully, I already knew what God's answer would be and it seemed like one of those times where it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I went to google for advice, therefore, and came up only a little confused. While one source said that it would probably be no big deal and actually not a terrible way to blow off steam, the overwhelming majority told me to steer clear. I then decided to bite the bullet and talk it out with a good friend. We talked... and talked... and talked! After several hours, I don't know that I felt any less unsure. In fact, I was more mixed up then ever. Then, she said exactly what I needed to hear. To sum it up, she told me that whatever I was looking for wouldn't be found in the arms of a near stranger. Hooking up with this guy wasn't going to make me feel any prettier, more special, or better about myself. The reassurance I needed couldn't possibly come in this way.
Well, to put an end to your suspense, I didn't go through with the fling. In the end, my friend was right; far from feeling better about myself, hooking up with Mike was going to make me feel worse. I already felt guilty and hadn't even done anything yet! At the end of the day, I just wasn't ready to throw away 5+ years of semi-intentional purity. For what? To feel valued for an hour by someone I didn't even respect? To be honest, I think the thing that scared me most was the idea of what I might do in the heat of the moment. As it was, I'd already agreed to certain things that were completely out of character, and that had only been in the context of a heated conversation. Call me sentimental, but I have an affinity for firsts. When I think about the first time I touch someone and they touch me, I want to be able to say it was with my husband. I certainly never imagined that very important first to be with someone I hardly knew.
Just as Job made a covenant with his eyes, I've made a covenant with my body not to cheapen it with immoral behavior and the caresses of any man besides the one set aside for me in God's perfect will. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that I've been over-confident in the strength of my resolve. I've been humbled to be able to appreciate the struggles not uncommon to those of us in our youth. I can only pray to be strengthened in the covenant and to trust in the Lord's provision which fulfills completely instead of chasing the fleeting offerings of the world. In the meantime... well, I'll be waiting. :)
then... and now
so, now that you have the back-story, I'll be posting new stuff from here on out. In fact, I already have the first one written and we'll post it tomorrow. :) Thanks for reading
Life for Rent
originally posted April 9, 2009
"I’ve never really found a place that I call home; I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize, but once again I’m not in love but it’s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking."
Home is where the heart is, right? Well, what if you’re not quite where that is? The transience forced on me as a child is now being chosen by me as an adult and I’m left to wrestle with what that means for me and my life. I’ve been in New Jersey for a little more than eight months and I’m already feeling that itch for a change of scenery. I’m anxious for a change I must wait for. It’s weird, though, because I’m in a love/hate relationship with this wanderlust of mine. I love the adventure and the "newness." When asked how NJ was the other day, I said, "it’s my life’s pursuit: a different place with different people." In the same breath, though, I’m unsure. "I wonder someimes about the outcome of a still-verdictless life." sings John Mayer, and rightfully so! People ask me what I will do eventually, when all my "running around" is done and I haven’t a clue. I hope to be married by then, but what if I’m not? I don’t really worry about how I will support myself; I have lots of marketable skills and my standard-of-living expectations are really quite modest. I think, more than anything, I worry about how I will feel. I already feel this sense of disconnect from others. "Everybody’s just a stranger, but that’s the danger of going my own way; I guess it’s the price I have to pay." I’m coming to believe that my natural tendency is towards being a hermit and that my life is filled with "situational" friends; in this time and this place, this situation, we are friends. I don’t like this and I fear where this will find me in ten, fifteen, twenty years. It’s difficult to reconcile these things, urge and anxiety. It’s the "stirring in my soul" against the mumblings in my head...
"If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get because nothing I have is truly mine."
It’s just a thought...
"I’ve never really found a place that I call home; I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize, but once again I’m not in love but it’s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking."
Home is where the heart is, right? Well, what if you’re not quite where that is? The transience forced on me as a child is now being chosen by me as an adult and I’m left to wrestle with what that means for me and my life. I’ve been in New Jersey for a little more than eight months and I’m already feeling that itch for a change of scenery. I’m anxious for a change I must wait for. It’s weird, though, because I’m in a love/hate relationship with this wanderlust of mine. I love the adventure and the "newness." When asked how NJ was the other day, I said, "it’s my life’s pursuit: a different place with different people." In the same breath, though, I’m unsure. "I wonder someimes about the outcome of a still-verdictless life." sings John Mayer, and rightfully so! People ask me what I will do eventually, when all my "running around" is done and I haven’t a clue. I hope to be married by then, but what if I’m not? I don’t really worry about how I will support myself; I have lots of marketable skills and my standard-of-living expectations are really quite modest. I think, more than anything, I worry about how I will feel. I already feel this sense of disconnect from others. "Everybody’s just a stranger, but that’s the danger of going my own way; I guess it’s the price I have to pay." I’m coming to believe that my natural tendency is towards being a hermit and that my life is filled with "situational" friends; in this time and this place, this situation, we are friends. I don’t like this and I fear where this will find me in ten, fifteen, twenty years. It’s difficult to reconcile these things, urge and anxiety. It’s the "stirring in my soul" against the mumblings in my head...
"If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get because nothing I have is truly mine."
It’s just a thought...
what boys like
originally posted April 9, 2008
So I was reminded on sunday, yet again, that "most guys like girls with longer hair." I’ve joked, on occassion, that this is the very reason I’ve decided to let mine grow (it ISN’T, btw). As someone who seems to be chronically single, these comments always tend to strike a nerve. It would appear that I DON’T know what "boys like" since I can’t seem to snag one. But upon giving it some thought, I realized that it’s the system I have a problem with. I’ve been taught, like most girls, that we must live our lives for the abstract male. The goal is to arrange things, be it weight, manner of dress, demeanor, and yes even hair, to prove marketable to the guys who are "in the market", as in the sale of a house or a car. If we don’t come with the right features, we won’t attract much interest. Well, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough. I’m through letting the abstract male dictate my decisions, INCLUDING those made concerning my hair. If someone specific is interested in me and really prefers something, then we’ll talk but until then, I’M calling the shots. It just seems kinda sneaky to me. I mean, I know how I am and I can only go so long before I have to do what I want to do. Why would I want to be with someone who likes someone who isn’t REALLY me, anyways? It’ll happen when it happens. Until then, I’m fine with not being "what boys like."
So I was reminded on sunday, yet again, that "most guys like girls with longer hair." I’ve joked, on occassion, that this is the very reason I’ve decided to let mine grow (it ISN’T, btw). As someone who seems to be chronically single, these comments always tend to strike a nerve. It would appear that I DON’T know what "boys like" since I can’t seem to snag one. But upon giving it some thought, I realized that it’s the system I have a problem with. I’ve been taught, like most girls, that we must live our lives for the abstract male. The goal is to arrange things, be it weight, manner of dress, demeanor, and yes even hair, to prove marketable to the guys who are "in the market", as in the sale of a house or a car. If we don’t come with the right features, we won’t attract much interest. Well, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough. I’m through letting the abstract male dictate my decisions, INCLUDING those made concerning my hair. If someone specific is interested in me and really prefers something, then we’ll talk but until then, I’M calling the shots. It just seems kinda sneaky to me. I mean, I know how I am and I can only go so long before I have to do what I want to do. Why would I want to be with someone who likes someone who isn’t REALLY me, anyways? It’ll happen when it happens. Until then, I’m fine with not being "what boys like."
I miss back when...
originally posted January 24, 2008
When the doorbell rang the other morning, I wondered who it could be. I wasn't expecting anyone, after all. So I went to the door, opened it, and found myself face to face with those visitors we're never expecting but still get from time to time. I'm talking, of course, about "religious" visitors; these happened to be Jehova's Witnesses. They began to give the spiel and I was perfectly content to humor them by listening when I heard a voice behind me offering the "thanks, but no-thanks" brush-off accompanied by a meager excuse as to why we simply had no time for a mini-sermon at the moment. Why do we give those, anyways? We know, deep down, that they know that it's really not true (trust me; they know) AND we just lied, which means we probably DO nead to hear what they have to say, after all! Anyways... After I had to shut the door, apologetically mind you, I was admonished (like a child...) to first ascertain the identity of the person(s) on the other side and then exercise judgement as to whether or not to open. Why? Because answering the door could be dangerous, of course. Please! The new face of terror: middle-aged women toting religious tracts! In all seriosness, though, it had never occurred to me that I should be worried when answeing the door. I didn't grow up learning to be afraid. My parents only locked the doors at night when we were sleeping; not when we left the house for the day and certainly not when we were home. In fact, I got my first "house" key ever when I moved into the dorms.
Am I aware of the existence of bad people in the world? Of course; I read the paper everyday. It just stuck me so profoundly today that "I miss back when..."
When the doorbell rang the other morning, I wondered who it could be. I wasn't expecting anyone, after all. So I went to the door, opened it, and found myself face to face with those visitors we're never expecting but still get from time to time. I'm talking, of course, about "religious" visitors; these happened to be Jehova's Witnesses. They began to give the spiel and I was perfectly content to humor them by listening when I heard a voice behind me offering the "thanks, but no-thanks" brush-off accompanied by a meager excuse as to why we simply had no time for a mini-sermon at the moment. Why do we give those, anyways? We know, deep down, that they know that it's really not true (trust me; they know) AND we just lied, which means we probably DO nead to hear what they have to say, after all! Anyways... After I had to shut the door, apologetically mind you, I was admonished (like a child...) to first ascertain the identity of the person(s) on the other side and then exercise judgement as to whether or not to open. Why? Because answering the door could be dangerous, of course. Please! The new face of terror: middle-aged women toting religious tracts! In all seriosness, though, it had never occurred to me that I should be worried when answeing the door. I didn't grow up learning to be afraid. My parents only locked the doors at night when we were sleeping; not when we left the house for the day and certainly not when we were home. In fact, I got my first "house" key ever when I moved into the dorms.
Am I aware of the existence of bad people in the world? Of course; I read the paper everyday. It just stuck me so profoundly today that "I miss back when..."
alone, but not lonely
Originally posted December 26, 2007
Since being in New Jersey, I've done a number of things by myself that I previously did with others. I've gone shopping, gone to movies, and even eaten out alone. The other day I went on a nice, long walk alone. Now, solitude is not something I'm used to, nor is it something I've been known to enjoy. It is in my nature to yearn for companionship. As I look to my future and the possibilities it holds, though, I'm envisioning continued solitude. After all, I'm single with no real prospects and who knows where I could be in five years. I could be teaching english in China, serving missions in Russia, or in the Peace Corps in Africa. I could be anywhere doing any number of things, really. As exciting as these endeavors seem, I can't help but admit how having someone to share them with would be better. It's with a different attitude I do so, though. Whereas I once saw others' relationships and despaired over my lack thereof, I now see what they have and look forward to my future "someone". God's granted me peace to accept that he has someone for me and that things will fall into place when it's time, His time. I'm being groomed daily to be ready for the day when God will put His plans into motion. He makes me to wait in tranquil anticipation, with a calm heart; to be alone, but not lonely.
Since being in New Jersey, I've done a number of things by myself that I previously did with others. I've gone shopping, gone to movies, and even eaten out alone. The other day I went on a nice, long walk alone. Now, solitude is not something I'm used to, nor is it something I've been known to enjoy. It is in my nature to yearn for companionship. As I look to my future and the possibilities it holds, though, I'm envisioning continued solitude. After all, I'm single with no real prospects and who knows where I could be in five years. I could be teaching english in China, serving missions in Russia, or in the Peace Corps in Africa. I could be anywhere doing any number of things, really. As exciting as these endeavors seem, I can't help but admit how having someone to share them with would be better. It's with a different attitude I do so, though. Whereas I once saw others' relationships and despaired over my lack thereof, I now see what they have and look forward to my future "someone". God's granted me peace to accept that he has someone for me and that things will fall into place when it's time, His time. I'm being groomed daily to be ready for the day when God will put His plans into motion. He makes me to wait in tranquil anticipation, with a calm heart; to be alone, but not lonely.
The Nanny Diaries
Originally posted September 30, 2007
It's weird that, at 21, I can be classified as "the help". But that's what I am; I'm a nanny/housekeeper/personal assistant. After watching the movie that's namesake to this blog, I've come to realize that the world is split into two types of people: those who get it and those who don't.
I get up early and go to bed late; I do dishes and laundry, dinner and errands, and all things in between so that my "family" doesn't have to. There are those who call what I am defeat. After all, moms and dads dream of their sons and daughters as doctors or lawyers or politicians, not "the help." They want "better" for us, better than what they had. Since when was hard work a bad thing, though? When did "blue collar" become an insult? I'm a product of my "blue collar" raising. I'm not ashamed of actually working for a living, nor should I be!
Why am I a nanny? Sometimes I don't even know the answer. I'll tell you one thing, though: it may be what I'm meant for. I've found joy in service. It's nice to be the orchestrator; it makes you feel needed. That's something we could all use more of.
It's weird that, at 21, I can be classified as "the help". But that's what I am; I'm a nanny/housekeeper/personal assistant. After watching the movie that's namesake to this blog, I've come to realize that the world is split into two types of people: those who get it and those who don't.
I get up early and go to bed late; I do dishes and laundry, dinner and errands, and all things in between so that my "family" doesn't have to. There are those who call what I am defeat. After all, moms and dads dream of their sons and daughters as doctors or lawyers or politicians, not "the help." They want "better" for us, better than what they had. Since when was hard work a bad thing, though? When did "blue collar" become an insult? I'm a product of my "blue collar" raising. I'm not ashamed of actually working for a living, nor should I be!
Why am I a nanny? Sometimes I don't even know the answer. I'll tell you one thing, though: it may be what I'm meant for. I've found joy in service. It's nice to be the orchestrator; it makes you feel needed. That's something we could all use more of.
Not who I was
originally posted September 3, 2007
When I stop to consider the finite nature of my being, I come to the place where I really envy the timelessness that is God. I mean, every experience, every chapter in our lives is static; it has a beginning and an end. As I grow older, I begin to realize how much I hate this. Every day, people come in and go out of our lives and we are to them forever as we were at that moment. I, for one, know that I will not be tomorrow who I was yesterday, let alone four years ago. I've wished so many times that I could re-meet those who've made a cameo in the story that is my life so that they could think of me as I am rather than who I was. I mean, I like to think I'm changing for the better but who's to say, I suppose... When others are involved, it's all relative after all.
"I've been thinking maybe I should let you know that I am not the same. I've not who I was."
When I stop to consider the finite nature of my being, I come to the place where I really envy the timelessness that is God. I mean, every experience, every chapter in our lives is static; it has a beginning and an end. As I grow older, I begin to realize how much I hate this. Every day, people come in and go out of our lives and we are to them forever as we were at that moment. I, for one, know that I will not be tomorrow who I was yesterday, let alone four years ago. I've wished so many times that I could re-meet those who've made a cameo in the story that is my life so that they could think of me as I am rather than who I was. I mean, I like to think I'm changing for the better but who's to say, I suppose... When others are involved, it's all relative after all.
"I've been thinking maybe I should let you know that I am not the same. I've not who I was."
Wait for Me
originally posted July 26, 2007
You know, in my recent past, I've been told, both explicitly and implicitly, that I'm different from the wold. People have called me outdated, out of touch, uber-conservative, and a "purist". It's true: I'm not like those in the world; I don't smoke, drink, or have any tattoos and yes, I'm a (gasp!) VIRGIN! Personally, pre-marital sex had never even been an option in my mind. I guess I just figured all other Christians were like-minded. As time goes on, I'm finding more and more that I may actually be in the moral minority after all. I mean, I've hear of boys even at NNU who have not waited for marriage! I guess it just saddens me because I'd always envisioned giving my virginity to someone who was giving theirs to me on our wedding night. If I can't even fully rely on church being the place to meet a nice, virgin, guy then where IS? I just hate how flippant even those of us, as young adults in the CHURCH, have become in regards to our bodies! UGH!
Moral of the story: Please, have some integrity and do not indignify yourself by giving away one of the few things you can never get back. And, to my future husband: Rebecca St. James had it right. "I am waiting for, waiting for you darling. Wait for me too." Please wait, for me.
You know, in my recent past, I've been told, both explicitly and implicitly, that I'm different from the wold. People have called me outdated, out of touch, uber-conservative, and a "purist". It's true: I'm not like those in the world; I don't smoke, drink, or have any tattoos and yes, I'm a (gasp!) VIRGIN! Personally, pre-marital sex had never even been an option in my mind. I guess I just figured all other Christians were like-minded. As time goes on, I'm finding more and more that I may actually be in the moral minority after all. I mean, I've hear of boys even at NNU who have not waited for marriage! I guess it just saddens me because I'd always envisioned giving my virginity to someone who was giving theirs to me on our wedding night. If I can't even fully rely on church being the place to meet a nice, virgin, guy then where IS? I just hate how flippant even those of us, as young adults in the CHURCH, have become in regards to our bodies! UGH!
Moral of the story: Please, have some integrity and do not indignify yourself by giving away one of the few things you can never get back. And, to my future husband: Rebecca St. James had it right. "I am waiting for, waiting for you darling. Wait for me too." Please wait, for me.
Friday, January 8, 2010
another year gone
Originally posted April 16, 2007
"Happy new year" I offered half-heartedly. Never having put much stock in holidays, especially minor ones like this one, the "blessing" was more lip service than anything else.
"Another crappy year gone" was my dad's reply. These are the sort of things I had come to expect from my dad. It's funny how two people can be in similar situations but have completely different outlooks. Life has been no cake walk for me in this past year; I've found myself profoundly alone among friends, actually alone 3,000 miles from home, poor, hopeless, and unsure. I've gone from being a student to being a college drop-out, living on my own, and facing the real world. Don't get me wrong; the past year was sprinkled with happiness, but it was more bad than good.
In the face of this past year, it would be understandable for me to have a negative, pessimistic outlook on life, past, and future. That's what's become of my dad. So what makes me different? I don't know... I guess I've just always been of the mind that what's past is past. I've accepted that complaining about and agonizing over what's happened will do you no good; worse yet, doing so keeps you from moving on. I don't know... Call it defeatism, but I prefer acceptance. If there's no changing the past, then why waste your time and energy letting it affect you? Set your sights on the future, even tomorrow, and you may just prevent this coming year from turning out like the last.
"Happy new year" I offered half-heartedly. Never having put much stock in holidays, especially minor ones like this one, the "blessing" was more lip service than anything else.
"Another crappy year gone" was my dad's reply. These are the sort of things I had come to expect from my dad. It's funny how two people can be in similar situations but have completely different outlooks. Life has been no cake walk for me in this past year; I've found myself profoundly alone among friends, actually alone 3,000 miles from home, poor, hopeless, and unsure. I've gone from being a student to being a college drop-out, living on my own, and facing the real world. Don't get me wrong; the past year was sprinkled with happiness, but it was more bad than good.
In the face of this past year, it would be understandable for me to have a negative, pessimistic outlook on life, past, and future. That's what's become of my dad. So what makes me different? I don't know... I guess I've just always been of the mind that what's past is past. I've accepted that complaining about and agonizing over what's happened will do you no good; worse yet, doing so keeps you from moving on. I don't know... Call it defeatism, but I prefer acceptance. If there's no changing the past, then why waste your time and energy letting it affect you? Set your sights on the future, even tomorrow, and you may just prevent this coming year from turning out like the last.
the real world
Originally posted February 9, 2007
"Not having any money isn't nobling; it makes you mean." I never knew how true those words were until I became a "full-fledged" adult and was shoved head first into the real world. I mean, we've always been poor, less so at certain times than other times, but still poor. I guess it just never fully affected me because it wasn't MY debt or MY bills. Since leaving school, however, I've been faced with these things in a very real way. Even someone as perky as me can get bogged down. So one night, I was talking to a friend of mine about life in general and how mine seemed to be in a rut. So I said that life sucks and he responded by chiding me for being so pessimistic. I don't quite know what came over me, but I snapped. I mean, what right did this person, who has never been in my financial position, have to lecture me about being bummed out on life? Life is hard and it doesn't care if you're trying your best. I live in the real world where you have to pay your rent regardless of whatever may come up. I have to buy crap food to eat so that I'm paying as little as possible and still manage to avoid going hungry. I go to work, which is hectic and stressfull, come home so tired that I've become a borderline hermit, and have to get up and do the same thing over because time marches on and doesn't care if you're tired, or sick, or burned out, or anything! Life is not rainbows and smiles for me anymore and I'm trying to get by with as much grace and dignity as possible, so get off my back. Life sucks, alright? I'm just finding that out sooner than expected.
"Not having any money isn't nobling; it makes you mean." I never knew how true those words were until I became a "full-fledged" adult and was shoved head first into the real world. I mean, we've always been poor, less so at certain times than other times, but still poor. I guess it just never fully affected me because it wasn't MY debt or MY bills. Since leaving school, however, I've been faced with these things in a very real way. Even someone as perky as me can get bogged down. So one night, I was talking to a friend of mine about life in general and how mine seemed to be in a rut. So I said that life sucks and he responded by chiding me for being so pessimistic. I don't quite know what came over me, but I snapped. I mean, what right did this person, who has never been in my financial position, have to lecture me about being bummed out on life? Life is hard and it doesn't care if you're trying your best. I live in the real world where you have to pay your rent regardless of whatever may come up. I have to buy crap food to eat so that I'm paying as little as possible and still manage to avoid going hungry. I go to work, which is hectic and stressfull, come home so tired that I've become a borderline hermit, and have to get up and do the same thing over because time marches on and doesn't care if you're tired, or sick, or burned out, or anything! Life is not rainbows and smiles for me anymore and I'm trying to get by with as much grace and dignity as possible, so get off my back. Life sucks, alright? I'm just finding that out sooner than expected.
my summer
Originally posted August 15, 2006
Hey everybody! Well, I'm fine. :D Work's been as tough as ever and I'm just trying to push hard and finish strong. It has come to my attention that a surprising number of you reading this don't actually know what I do, so here goes: I get dropped off in a neighborhood and knock on every single door (excluding houses for sale). When someone actually answers the door (and speaks english) I give them one of two pitches. For people who already have an alarm system, I proceed to tell them, in not so many words, that their old system sucks and they desperately need to upgrade. Luckily for them, we need people to advertise our company and will set them up with the new system for free; they just keep the sign in their yard and pay the monthly monitoring fee. That doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, I forgot to mention that they have to sign a three year contract and pay a monitoring fee of $45 per month, usually twice as much as they're currently paying. Needless to say, it's easier said than done. All that, plus the fact that summer in the south is HOT and that most people hate door-to-door salespeople has led me to the realization that this is hard work.
Besides all that, things have been fine. I'm definitely ready to come home, but that's only because I miss all of you! :D no... I think Atlanta might be a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to make it my home. If nothing else, being here has confirmed that I belong in the Norhwest. :D
This summer has been a mix of happy, sad, lonely, exciting, frustrating, crazy, and a million other things. Someone asked me at church if I had decided wheter or not I was glad I had come. I've come to the point in my life where I regret nothing I do; every experience is important in shaping who we are. Am I glad I left my home and friends, rode a bus for two days, found myself in a strange place with strange people, put myself in occasional danger, and knocked thousands of doors (literally) to make no money? Oddly, I think I AM glad I came. I proved to myself that I could be independent and survive. Even when things got hard and I wanted to quit, I stayed. I conquered my situation and myself to push through. I gained a stronger testimony of God and my faith in Him by being made to question who I was and what I believed. In learning about another religion, I have become more firmly rooted in my own. I've seen and done amazing things that have changed me as a person. I mean, who walks up to a stranger's door and talks to them about something as random as home security? I found myself sitting in the home of a complete stranger eating dinner as though with a friend and realized how far I had come to be even more social than I already was. I've learned that all of life is a sale, if not for a product then for and idea and how to more effectively communicate with a broad range of personalities. I've had my perspective altered by observing the behavior of hundreds of strangers and have determined how I will act in similar situations. Basically, through the hardship, I did manage to have a fairly decent experience. :D I think I'll find in the future that I owe more to this summer than I realize.
Hey everybody! Well, I'm fine. :D Work's been as tough as ever and I'm just trying to push hard and finish strong. It has come to my attention that a surprising number of you reading this don't actually know what I do, so here goes: I get dropped off in a neighborhood and knock on every single door (excluding houses for sale). When someone actually answers the door (and speaks english) I give them one of two pitches. For people who already have an alarm system, I proceed to tell them, in not so many words, that their old system sucks and they desperately need to upgrade. Luckily for them, we need people to advertise our company and will set them up with the new system for free; they just keep the sign in their yard and pay the monthly monitoring fee. That doesn't sound too hard, right? Well, I forgot to mention that they have to sign a three year contract and pay a monitoring fee of $45 per month, usually twice as much as they're currently paying. Needless to say, it's easier said than done. All that, plus the fact that summer in the south is HOT and that most people hate door-to-door salespeople has led me to the realization that this is hard work.
Besides all that, things have been fine. I'm definitely ready to come home, but that's only because I miss all of you! :D no... I think Atlanta might be a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to make it my home. If nothing else, being here has confirmed that I belong in the Norhwest. :D
This summer has been a mix of happy, sad, lonely, exciting, frustrating, crazy, and a million other things. Someone asked me at church if I had decided wheter or not I was glad I had come. I've come to the point in my life where I regret nothing I do; every experience is important in shaping who we are. Am I glad I left my home and friends, rode a bus for two days, found myself in a strange place with strange people, put myself in occasional danger, and knocked thousands of doors (literally) to make no money? Oddly, I think I AM glad I came. I proved to myself that I could be independent and survive. Even when things got hard and I wanted to quit, I stayed. I conquered my situation and myself to push through. I gained a stronger testimony of God and my faith in Him by being made to question who I was and what I believed. In learning about another religion, I have become more firmly rooted in my own. I've seen and done amazing things that have changed me as a person. I mean, who walks up to a stranger's door and talks to them about something as random as home security? I found myself sitting in the home of a complete stranger eating dinner as though with a friend and realized how far I had come to be even more social than I already was. I've learned that all of life is a sale, if not for a product then for and idea and how to more effectively communicate with a broad range of personalities. I've had my perspective altered by observing the behavior of hundreds of strangers and have determined how I will act in similar situations. Basically, through the hardship, I did manage to have a fairly decent experience. :D I think I'll find in the future that I owe more to this summer than I realize.
my encounter with the mormons...
Originally posted June 26, 2006
Before I came to Atlanta, I began to piece together some of the information I had about the company I'd be working for. Upon arrival, my suspicions were confirmed; I, for the three months to follow, would be moving to "New Provo" and surrounded by mormons. Of all the people to be around, these, in my mind, were the worst. After all, I had been told my entire life that mormons were bad news and that their church was nothing more than a cult in the same league as Jehova's Witnesses and the Free Masons. I had spent my whole life in oppositition to an entire subculture about which I knew nothing, so I was sure that the coming months would be difficult to say the least. Well, it's been a month now and somehow I've managed to live. No... I've really come to appreciate the opportunity I've been given in coming out here. I've been forced to see this religion for what it is and have learned a lot. What I once disapproved of blindly I now oppose with an informed conscience. :o) I really only have a few big complaints with the religion and its doctrine. I guess the biggest disagreement I have is in the way they view grace. To me, grace is God's response to sin. Since everyone sins and sin has no degree, everyone needs the same amount of grace. From what I've been able to gather, a mormon's view isn't parallel to that. If salvation is the desired end result, grace plus works is how you get it. First you do all you can to attain salvation with your works and then grace is granted you in the amount you need to make up the slack. The other big argument I have is with the leadership of their church. First, they have a man who they call a "living prophet." Aparently, this man receives direct revelation from God. This is their modern-day Jesus. Then they have their twelve apostles. It all just seems very exalting of man. Then there are the little things, like being ridiculously strict about things like church attire and keeping half of their religion secret under the guise that "it's sacred." Really the whole religion seems very elitist to me. Christian churches are good and they have parts of the truth, but their church is the best and only they have the full truth. The version of the Bible they use is the only true version. Quite honestly, it's all just very silly.
The most important thing I've learned is that, despite all the differences, I love the people just as much as everybody else. I mean, of course there are the few bad apples, like in every barrel, but they really are very sweet people. They, or at least the ones I've been able to meet, are very nice, friendly, and welcoming. I am very thankful for my new LDS friends and all that they've taught me. I'm especially thankful for their graciosness in answering my onslaught of sometimes pointed questions and the opportunity I've had to share my faith with them.
Moral of the story: choosing to remain ignorant is a disservice you pay yourself. You owe yourself nothing less than to learn as much as you can to become informed people.
Before I came to Atlanta, I began to piece together some of the information I had about the company I'd be working for. Upon arrival, my suspicions were confirmed; I, for the three months to follow, would be moving to "New Provo" and surrounded by mormons. Of all the people to be around, these, in my mind, were the worst. After all, I had been told my entire life that mormons were bad news and that their church was nothing more than a cult in the same league as Jehova's Witnesses and the Free Masons. I had spent my whole life in oppositition to an entire subculture about which I knew nothing, so I was sure that the coming months would be difficult to say the least. Well, it's been a month now and somehow I've managed to live. No... I've really come to appreciate the opportunity I've been given in coming out here. I've been forced to see this religion for what it is and have learned a lot. What I once disapproved of blindly I now oppose with an informed conscience. :o) I really only have a few big complaints with the religion and its doctrine. I guess the biggest disagreement I have is in the way they view grace. To me, grace is God's response to sin. Since everyone sins and sin has no degree, everyone needs the same amount of grace. From what I've been able to gather, a mormon's view isn't parallel to that. If salvation is the desired end result, grace plus works is how you get it. First you do all you can to attain salvation with your works and then grace is granted you in the amount you need to make up the slack. The other big argument I have is with the leadership of their church. First, they have a man who they call a "living prophet." Aparently, this man receives direct revelation from God. This is their modern-day Jesus. Then they have their twelve apostles. It all just seems very exalting of man. Then there are the little things, like being ridiculously strict about things like church attire and keeping half of their religion secret under the guise that "it's sacred." Really the whole religion seems very elitist to me. Christian churches are good and they have parts of the truth, but their church is the best and only they have the full truth. The version of the Bible they use is the only true version. Quite honestly, it's all just very silly.
The most important thing I've learned is that, despite all the differences, I love the people just as much as everybody else. I mean, of course there are the few bad apples, like in every barrel, but they really are very sweet people. They, or at least the ones I've been able to meet, are very nice, friendly, and welcoming. I am very thankful for my new LDS friends and all that they've taught me. I'm especially thankful for their graciosness in answering my onslaught of sometimes pointed questions and the opportunity I've had to share my faith with them.
Moral of the story: choosing to remain ignorant is a disservice you pay yourself. You owe yourself nothing less than to learn as much as you can to become informed people.
a silent scream
Originally posted January 30, 2006
It was as though my entire life had been a precursor to this moment. An intense sadness overtook me like a wave of raw, rushing emotion that had broken the dyke and flowed freely onto my pillow. I wept for her, for me, for everything and nothing all at once. It was anger, fear, bitterness, envy, and sheer unhappiness that was stirred out of dormancy inside me for all the world to see. To them, I'm the drama queen; it is I who must have the attention, who will do anything for it. They don't know; they never have. I'm the strong one, carrying the burdens of all with grace. The world may stop if she stumbles.
Why are you so sad, my love? It's a hard thing for those you love to see you at your lowest point and walk by, unscathed by the sight of your pain. It's a terrible thing to love so deeply and be passed along, a terrible thing to need and receive nothing. You look around and see everyone prospering while you sink deeper and deeper into the pool of despair that has you trapped. I'm sad because I look at my life and it makes me feel bitterly empty. There are all these things I want but cannot have; there are things I have that I don't want at all. Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world, but it has become mine. I'm out of control, spiraling into a life about which I can do nothing but weep in a bottomless vat of self-pity.
It was as though my entire life had been a precursor to this moment. An intense sadness overtook me like a wave of raw, rushing emotion that had broken the dyke and flowed freely onto my pillow. I wept for her, for me, for everything and nothing all at once. It was anger, fear, bitterness, envy, and sheer unhappiness that was stirred out of dormancy inside me for all the world to see. To them, I'm the drama queen; it is I who must have the attention, who will do anything for it. They don't know; they never have. I'm the strong one, carrying the burdens of all with grace. The world may stop if she stumbles.
Why are you so sad, my love? It's a hard thing for those you love to see you at your lowest point and walk by, unscathed by the sight of your pain. It's a terrible thing to love so deeply and be passed along, a terrible thing to need and receive nothing. You look around and see everyone prospering while you sink deeper and deeper into the pool of despair that has you trapped. I'm sad because I look at my life and it makes me feel bitterly empty. There are all these things I want but cannot have; there are things I have that I don't want at all. Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world, but it has become mine. I'm out of control, spiraling into a life about which I can do nothing but weep in a bottomless vat of self-pity.
what was I thinking?!
originally posted August 4, 2005
So, since getting home from school and hearing from my entire family how much weight I'd gained, I've been having poor body image problems. I'd lost some weight since being at home, but it just didn't seem good enough. I hear at least once a day how fat I am (don't worry... more than half of the time it's from my own mouth). I'd been sorta considering anorexia (as though it's something you choose...), and I'd joked about going on a starvation diet, but never took it very seriously. I mean, I love food! So much so, in fact, that I'd say that I might have compulsive eating disorder... but anyways...
A friend of mine at work told me how she had cut back on eating and was exercising a lot, and she looked a good amount thinner, so I started looking around myspace. darn myspace! :D and I came across some pro-ana sites and it started to become more and more of a possibility. I figured, I can do to give up eating so much (or at all...) so why not try it? Well, to make a long story short, today was my third day of not eating/barely eating. I only ate an apple and a banana yesterday (to ward off hunger pains) and had only eaten like 7 toffees (virtually fat free and low in calories to keep my mind off eating worse things) and water all day today until 8pm. Eventhough I'd only been Ana for like 2 1/2 days, I started to see in my behavior what the girls in the groups had been talking about. Obsessing over food, counting calories religiously, telling myself that I couldn't eat no matter what, etc... It was then that I stood in my kitchen looking at the nutrition facts on the pickle jar to see if I could have a pickle for dinner that I was like, "What am I doing to myself? This is driving me crazier than being pudgy is!" (For those of you who wonder why my parents didn't see this odd behavior: their out of the house for the week.) I couldn't take it anymore! I got in my car and drove to taco bell, and then went to ray's and got some icecream. As odd as it'll sound, I felt SO guilty buying food. Part of my mind was urging me to continue to say no to food, even though eating is perfectly natural and healthy (well, maybe not taco bell, but you know what I mean...)
Why am I telling all of you this? as open of a person I seem to be, I have so many secrets that weigh on me like an unremovable burden! I've been trying this new thing of being perfectly honest about myself. I used to be fearful about letting people too far into my life, because what if they found something that was shameful or embarrassing? What would they think? They wouldn't want to be my friend anymore... and the list goes on and on. Well, I've come to the conclusion that I have all too little faith in people! Besides, if hearing that I have problems, like a normal person, scares people away, well then they're obviously too faint of heart to be my friend in the first place. So, yeah... that's what I've learned this week: Eat! not eating just to be skinny won't make you happy; it makes you insane!
So, since getting home from school and hearing from my entire family how much weight I'd gained, I've been having poor body image problems. I'd lost some weight since being at home, but it just didn't seem good enough. I hear at least once a day how fat I am (don't worry... more than half of the time it's from my own mouth). I'd been sorta considering anorexia (as though it's something you choose...), and I'd joked about going on a starvation diet, but never took it very seriously. I mean, I love food! So much so, in fact, that I'd say that I might have compulsive eating disorder... but anyways...
A friend of mine at work told me how she had cut back on eating and was exercising a lot, and she looked a good amount thinner, so I started looking around myspace. darn myspace! :D and I came across some pro-ana sites and it started to become more and more of a possibility. I figured, I can do to give up eating so much (or at all...) so why not try it? Well, to make a long story short, today was my third day of not eating/barely eating. I only ate an apple and a banana yesterday (to ward off hunger pains) and had only eaten like 7 toffees (virtually fat free and low in calories to keep my mind off eating worse things) and water all day today until 8pm. Eventhough I'd only been Ana for like 2 1/2 days, I started to see in my behavior what the girls in the groups had been talking about. Obsessing over food, counting calories religiously, telling myself that I couldn't eat no matter what, etc... It was then that I stood in my kitchen looking at the nutrition facts on the pickle jar to see if I could have a pickle for dinner that I was like, "What am I doing to myself? This is driving me crazier than being pudgy is!" (For those of you who wonder why my parents didn't see this odd behavior: their out of the house for the week.) I couldn't take it anymore! I got in my car and drove to taco bell, and then went to ray's and got some icecream. As odd as it'll sound, I felt SO guilty buying food. Part of my mind was urging me to continue to say no to food, even though eating is perfectly natural and healthy (well, maybe not taco bell, but you know what I mean...)
Why am I telling all of you this? as open of a person I seem to be, I have so many secrets that weigh on me like an unremovable burden! I've been trying this new thing of being perfectly honest about myself. I used to be fearful about letting people too far into my life, because what if they found something that was shameful or embarrassing? What would they think? They wouldn't want to be my friend anymore... and the list goes on and on. Well, I've come to the conclusion that I have all too little faith in people! Besides, if hearing that I have problems, like a normal person, scares people away, well then they're obviously too faint of heart to be my friend in the first place. So, yeah... that's what I've learned this week: Eat! not eating just to be skinny won't make you happy; it makes you insane!
the letter
Originally posted July 11, 2005
I find that I still think of you from time to time, good things and bad things. I think of how we were so stupid. How we'd laugh at dumb things, at each other. I hated how I could never stay mad at you, even when I wanted to. I remember how we would talk for hours. Talking about nothing and everything until 3:00 in the morning. You were the only person who could make me talk on the phone for two hours, half the time just being dumb. All those voices and dumb words and sounds. There was the silence, too. I remember me sitting with you on the cold bench, staring into the fog not saying a word, just holding hands and being together. It wasn't weird, awkward silence, as silence often seems to me, but peaceful. Your hands were soft and I just wanted to sit in that moment forever. I remember walking home, mind racing, because we had held hands for the first time. The weird thing was that it was never about that, you know? Before it was about the fun; the feeling when he touches her and they kiss. But it was different with you. There were times when I felt as though you were the only one who knew the little things. It is true that you know things about me that others don't, but thouse are stupid things. What I loved, though, was that you never seemed shocked, no matter what I threw at you. I told you things that others would have been embarrassed by, things that would run them off. But you stayed. You had such a knack for making me feel so special. The things you would say would make me smile. It meant so much hearing your compliments. I loved how you would just listen too, though. I look back and remember the list, ice skating, pizza and muppets, ice cream, movies, fog, cider, late night phone calls, "amazing", and walking away. So many good times that had to end.
Then there was nothing. We decided that dating was out, but friends wasn't enough. That never lasts long, though, does it? I don't even know when, but we drifted apart. Then we were nothing. You got mad and I was left dumbfounded. I mean, you don't get mad! There were so many things I wanted to say to you. I still feel as though I could scream if it would do anything. WHY?! Why did you run away? Why did you stay mad? Days turned into weeks and into months. I wanted to know what you were thinking; why you were being such a jerk. I wanted to know how you could just let me be a few pages in the book of your life and then move on like it was nothing. You have a new girl that you talk to for hours and do all the fun things with. I think the part that I hated most was that I had lost one of my best friends. It's weird not being able to tell you things. I'm meeting my borthers this summer; you wouldn't know. I look back and wonder what I saw; wonder how we got so close. We're so different, you and I, but exactly the same. I see who you're becoming; the company you keep, the words you say, how you act and wonder why I was so enamored by you. Zach said I could do better, and I used to think he was wrong. But now I see the real you and hope he's right. I've told myself (and heard from others) that I need to let you go. I'm finding that that's so difficult because despite how bad you get, I still care about you. I worry about who you're becoming. Maybe that's why I'm writing this down... I'm making you a few pages in my book; pages that can be ripped out and thrown away. I don't want to be sad anymore, and that's how you make me feel. A song lyric sums up how I feel: "Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now? Can you tell it to my face or have I been erased? Are you happy now?" Are you?
I find that I still think of you from time to time, good things and bad things. I think of how we were so stupid. How we'd laugh at dumb things, at each other. I hated how I could never stay mad at you, even when I wanted to. I remember how we would talk for hours. Talking about nothing and everything until 3:00 in the morning. You were the only person who could make me talk on the phone for two hours, half the time just being dumb. All those voices and dumb words and sounds. There was the silence, too. I remember me sitting with you on the cold bench, staring into the fog not saying a word, just holding hands and being together. It wasn't weird, awkward silence, as silence often seems to me, but peaceful. Your hands were soft and I just wanted to sit in that moment forever. I remember walking home, mind racing, because we had held hands for the first time. The weird thing was that it was never about that, you know? Before it was about the fun; the feeling when he touches her and they kiss. But it was different with you. There were times when I felt as though you were the only one who knew the little things. It is true that you know things about me that others don't, but thouse are stupid things. What I loved, though, was that you never seemed shocked, no matter what I threw at you. I told you things that others would have been embarrassed by, things that would run them off. But you stayed. You had such a knack for making me feel so special. The things you would say would make me smile. It meant so much hearing your compliments. I loved how you would just listen too, though. I look back and remember the list, ice skating, pizza and muppets, ice cream, movies, fog, cider, late night phone calls, "amazing", and walking away. So many good times that had to end.
Then there was nothing. We decided that dating was out, but friends wasn't enough. That never lasts long, though, does it? I don't even know when, but we drifted apart. Then we were nothing. You got mad and I was left dumbfounded. I mean, you don't get mad! There were so many things I wanted to say to you. I still feel as though I could scream if it would do anything. WHY?! Why did you run away? Why did you stay mad? Days turned into weeks and into months. I wanted to know what you were thinking; why you were being such a jerk. I wanted to know how you could just let me be a few pages in the book of your life and then move on like it was nothing. You have a new girl that you talk to for hours and do all the fun things with. I think the part that I hated most was that I had lost one of my best friends. It's weird not being able to tell you things. I'm meeting my borthers this summer; you wouldn't know. I look back and wonder what I saw; wonder how we got so close. We're so different, you and I, but exactly the same. I see who you're becoming; the company you keep, the words you say, how you act and wonder why I was so enamored by you. Zach said I could do better, and I used to think he was wrong. But now I see the real you and hope he's right. I've told myself (and heard from others) that I need to let you go. I'm finding that that's so difficult because despite how bad you get, I still care about you. I worry about who you're becoming. Maybe that's why I'm writing this down... I'm making you a few pages in my book; pages that can be ripped out and thrown away. I don't want to be sad anymore, and that's how you make me feel. A song lyric sums up how I feel: "Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now? Can you tell it to my face or have I been erased? Are you happy now?" Are you?
who am I?
Originally posted June 4, 2005
DC Talk has a song that has a line in it that goes, "What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior." This line has been the story of my life for the last few years. I realize that I have no clue where I am or where I'm going. the thing is that the only one I have to blame for this unhappiness is myself. In high school I got tired of being the hold-out, the one who was "perfect." Why should I have to miss out on everything just because I have these rules? Everyone else gets to have fun and I get stuck being good. So I gave up trying to be so "good" all the time and gave in. I mean my misbehavior was nothing compared to what others around me were doing, but sin doesn't come in degrees of bad. I couldn't give up my old lifestyle completely, though, because I still had an image to maintain. At my church, I was the golden child, the one who was a role model for all people, not just youth. because of this, I found myself living a double life. When I went to college, I thought that I had gotten everything straightened out. I mean, all my new friends were the good kids that I had always been back then and the pressure was to be good instead of bad. I think I got so good at acting the part that I even began to fool myself... Now I feel like I don't know who I am. I've blurred the lines so badly that I feel like I don't know the difference between "acting" christian and being christian. Look at me, all judgemental and stuff; "Oh, she's bad news; she drinks and does this and that." Who am I to sit in judgement of anybody?!? I've pretty much lied to everybody I know in one way or another by puting on this act of "righteousness." I feel like I want to get right with God, but that it's gotten so bad that I don't know how... I've played the part so long that I hardly know who I am or who I want to be. I mean, it's not like I don't believe; I do! I know that God is real and that his son Jesus died for us, but sometimes I wonder if I believe that because it's what I've been taught, what I've grown up hearing. I guess I believe all the stuff; I just feel like I'm not doing it right, like I know the stuff but don't have the relationship, you know?
What am I trying to say? Pray for me! I need to get something figured out; none of us know how long our time is.
DC Talk has a song that has a line in it that goes, "What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior." This line has been the story of my life for the last few years. I realize that I have no clue where I am or where I'm going. the thing is that the only one I have to blame for this unhappiness is myself. In high school I got tired of being the hold-out, the one who was "perfect." Why should I have to miss out on everything just because I have these rules? Everyone else gets to have fun and I get stuck being good. So I gave up trying to be so "good" all the time and gave in. I mean my misbehavior was nothing compared to what others around me were doing, but sin doesn't come in degrees of bad. I couldn't give up my old lifestyle completely, though, because I still had an image to maintain. At my church, I was the golden child, the one who was a role model for all people, not just youth. because of this, I found myself living a double life. When I went to college, I thought that I had gotten everything straightened out. I mean, all my new friends were the good kids that I had always been back then and the pressure was to be good instead of bad. I think I got so good at acting the part that I even began to fool myself... Now I feel like I don't know who I am. I've blurred the lines so badly that I feel like I don't know the difference between "acting" christian and being christian. Look at me, all judgemental and stuff; "Oh, she's bad news; she drinks and does this and that." Who am I to sit in judgement of anybody?!? I've pretty much lied to everybody I know in one way or another by puting on this act of "righteousness." I feel like I want to get right with God, but that it's gotten so bad that I don't know how... I've played the part so long that I hardly know who I am or who I want to be. I mean, it's not like I don't believe; I do! I know that God is real and that his son Jesus died for us, but sometimes I wonder if I believe that because it's what I've been taught, what I've grown up hearing. I guess I believe all the stuff; I just feel like I'm not doing it right, like I know the stuff but don't have the relationship, you know?
What am I trying to say? Pray for me! I need to get something figured out; none of us know how long our time is.
misery loves company, so I've come to share
originally posted April 14, 2005
losing isn't much fun, is it? well, as some of you may know, I was running for class chaplain. To make a long story short, I didn't win. If I'm going to be completely honest, I was in a state of disbelief when I first found out. I mean, how could I have lost? Then I was kinda mad, because I felt that I should have won. Now, I'm fine with it. Yes, you heard right; I'M FINE! It's still a bummer that I won't be able to be on the council with the rest of my friends who won their offices (unopposed...), but it just means that I'll have more time to do something else. It sounds cliche to say, "well, obviously it wasn't God's will" and "when God closes one door, He always opens another" but really, they're true. so, yeah... no more asking if I'm fine, please, ok? It was just a school election; my life will go on. Don't get me wrong; I am disappointed that I didn't get the job. I wanted it very badly. Gracious losers, however, don't get upset and aren't angry. Gracious losers congratulate their opponent and carry themselves with dignity. So there you are; I feel that I'm doing both. Besides, all this has been a good lesson (deep down...). Every day I experience a new thing. At this point in my life, I find that I don't have a whole lot of experience with failure. I haven't allowed myself to fail in the past; it was always expected of me to win. My friend stephanie told me that this is a good lesson, even if it is no fun. It's true... The lessons in life aren't always fun and we have to face troubles sometimes to get the bigger picture, but it's important to remember: God always answers, but sometimes the answer is no. .
losing isn't much fun, is it? well, as some of you may know, I was running for class chaplain. To make a long story short, I didn't win. If I'm going to be completely honest, I was in a state of disbelief when I first found out. I mean, how could I have lost? Then I was kinda mad, because I felt that I should have won. Now, I'm fine with it. Yes, you heard right; I'M FINE! It's still a bummer that I won't be able to be on the council with the rest of my friends who won their offices (unopposed...), but it just means that I'll have more time to do something else. It sounds cliche to say, "well, obviously it wasn't God's will" and "when God closes one door, He always opens another" but really, they're true. so, yeah... no more asking if I'm fine, please, ok? It was just a school election; my life will go on. Don't get me wrong; I am disappointed that I didn't get the job. I wanted it very badly. Gracious losers, however, don't get upset and aren't angry. Gracious losers congratulate their opponent and carry themselves with dignity. So there you are; I feel that I'm doing both. Besides, all this has been a good lesson (deep down...). Every day I experience a new thing. At this point in my life, I find that I don't have a whole lot of experience with failure. I haven't allowed myself to fail in the past; it was always expected of me to win. My friend stephanie told me that this is a good lesson, even if it is no fun. It's true... The lessons in life aren't always fun and we have to face troubles sometimes to get the bigger picture, but it's important to remember: God always answers, but sometimes the answer is no. .
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The beginning of something, well... interesting
Hi friends, new and old! I'm a little excited, a little nervous, and a little cynical about beginning this whole blog thing. Excited because, well, why wouldn't it be fun to have people read your thoughts? Actually... that's kinda where the nervous part comes in; who knows what could end up posted on here?! or who's going to read it all, for that matter! I suppose that may be incentive for you all to keep coming back: the random/witty/stupid/insane things that may come out of me while divulging my life on here. That leads to the cynicism, though... One of my several New Year's resolutions is to write more. I'm hoping that I can produce enough to make it actually worth your while to keep coming back, but we'll see... :)
So, yeah... that's about it, I suppose. One of the best things for you reading this would be to not just be a passive witness of the whole thing, but to engage with what's said. AND I just love it. :) Please, feel free to comment, question, critique, and refute (or try to at least...), because the sharing of information and opinions is so extremely important and fun to boot!
I'm starting off by posting some old things, just so everyone can catch up on who I am as a person and get some of the back story.
I love you all just for being here and I hope that you will take what I will give and use it somehow. :)
So, yeah... that's about it, I suppose. One of the best things for you reading this would be to not just be a passive witness of the whole thing, but to engage with what's said. AND I just love it. :) Please, feel free to comment, question, critique, and refute (or try to at least...), because the sharing of information and opinions is so extremely important and fun to boot!
I'm starting off by posting some old things, just so everyone can catch up on who I am as a person and get some of the back story.
I love you all just for being here and I hope that you will take what I will give and use it somehow. :)
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