Life for Rent

originally posted April 9, 2009


"I’ve never really found a place that I call home; I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize, but once again I’m not in love but it’s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking."

Home is where the heart is, right? Well, what if you’re not quite where that is? The transience forced on me as a child is now being chosen by me as an adult and I’m left to wrestle with what that means for me and my life. I’ve been in New Jersey for a little more than eight months and I’m already feeling that itch for a change of scenery. I’m anxious for a change I must wait for. It’s weird, though, because I’m in a love/hate relationship with this wanderlust of mine. I love the adventure and the "newness." When asked how NJ was the other day, I said, "it’s my life’s pursuit: a different place with different people." In the same breath, though, I’m unsure. "I wonder someimes about the outcome of a still-verdictless life." sings John Mayer, and rightfully so! People ask me what I will do eventually, when all my "running around" is done and I haven’t a clue. I hope to be married by then, but what if I’m not? I don’t really worry about how I will support myself; I have lots of marketable skills and my standard-of-living expectations are really quite modest. I think, more than anything, I worry about how I will feel. I already feel this sense of disconnect from others. "Everybody’s just a stranger, but that’s the danger of going my own way; I guess it’s the price I have to pay." I’m coming to believe that my natural tendency is towards being a hermit and that my life is filled with "situational" friends; in this time and this place, this situation, we are friends. I don’t like this and I fear where this will find me in ten, fifteen, twenty years. It’s difficult to reconcile these things, urge and anxiety. It’s the "stirring in my soul" against the mumblings in my head...

"If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get because nothing I have is truly mine."

It’s just a thought...

alone, but not lonely

Originally posted December 26, 2007


Since being in New Jersey, I've done a number of things by myself that I previously did with others. I've gone shopping, gone to movies, and even eaten out alone. The other day I went on a nice, long walk alone. Now, solitude is not something I'm used to, nor is it something I've been known to enjoy. It is in my nature to yearn for companionship. As I look to my future and the possibilities it holds, though, I'm envisioning continued solitude. After all, I'm single with no real prospects and who knows where I could be in five years. I could be teaching english in China, serving missions in Russia, or in the Peace Corps in Africa. I could be anywhere doing any number of things, really. As exciting as these endeavors seem, I can't help but admit how having someone to share them with would be better. It's with a different attitude I do so, though. Whereas I once saw others' relationships and despaired over my lack thereof, I now see what they have and look forward to my future "someone". God's granted me peace to accept that he has someone for me and that things will fall into place when it's time, His time. I'm being groomed daily to be ready for the day when God will put His plans into motion. He makes me to wait in tranquil anticipation, with a calm heart; to be alone, but not lonely.