Life for Rent

originally posted April 9, 2009


"I’ve never really found a place that I call home; I never stick around quite long enough to make it. I apologize, but once again I’m not in love but it’s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking."

Home is where the heart is, right? Well, what if you’re not quite where that is? The transience forced on me as a child is now being chosen by me as an adult and I’m left to wrestle with what that means for me and my life. I’ve been in New Jersey for a little more than eight months and I’m already feeling that itch for a change of scenery. I’m anxious for a change I must wait for. It’s weird, though, because I’m in a love/hate relationship with this wanderlust of mine. I love the adventure and the "newness." When asked how NJ was the other day, I said, "it’s my life’s pursuit: a different place with different people." In the same breath, though, I’m unsure. "I wonder someimes about the outcome of a still-verdictless life." sings John Mayer, and rightfully so! People ask me what I will do eventually, when all my "running around" is done and I haven’t a clue. I hope to be married by then, but what if I’m not? I don’t really worry about how I will support myself; I have lots of marketable skills and my standard-of-living expectations are really quite modest. I think, more than anything, I worry about how I will feel. I already feel this sense of disconnect from others. "Everybody’s just a stranger, but that’s the danger of going my own way; I guess it’s the price I have to pay." I’m coming to believe that my natural tendency is towards being a hermit and that my life is filled with "situational" friends; in this time and this place, this situation, we are friends. I don’t like this and I fear where this will find me in ten, fifteen, twenty years. It’s difficult to reconcile these things, urge and anxiety. It’s the "stirring in my soul" against the mumblings in my head...

"If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get because nothing I have is truly mine."

It’s just a thought...